I like the idea of song or album names being blog titles as opposed to continuously searching for a one-word title to sum up a really giant post like this. Also, because music and life go together pretty well.
Hey guys, it's me, Will, and I still like writing about my life. (I also like stealing Ben Rector's little "Hey guys, it's me" thing he does a lot.) It's really hard for me to condense what feels like the most interesting and self-introspective summer I've ever been able to experience into something decently cohesive, because there are some moments from this summer I'll have trouble putting into words. If I've noticed one thing this summer, it's that life is like that a lot. Experiences sometimes have such a deep emotional impact that it's hard to describe in a couple sentences. I notice that I can be prone to rambling in conversations when it's talking about something I enjoyed a lot or something that affected me deeply.
I want to put all of my experiences from this weird and wonderful summer into one post, but because of the volume of things that happened I'll be splitting it into parts and it's going to be very long. (Don't worry, every part has its own separate song or album title, too.) I've learned more about myself in the last three months than I believe I knew in the first 19.5 years of my life. With that many learning experiences comes a lot of words, which is why I've (somewhat) purposely not posted a lot this summer, because A. it takes time to process these things and B. writing is hard.
Anyway, I have a lot to share and apparently the Internet is supposed to be good for that, so here's a lot of words. Because reading a lot of text by itself is no fun, I've included some pictures from my summer as well. (The musical titles are suggested theme music, I guess? Let's go with that.) I hope you enjoy reading this.
Back to the Wild
(Langhorne Slim)
At the start of the spring semester, the ideas that I had for my summer looked a lot like the streets leading out of downtown Detroit: they fraction off in many different directions, it's hard to keep up with all of them, and some of them are pretty scary. For a good portion of the spring semester, I had it in my head that I was going to spend a good bit of my summer on a mission in Canada, where I had never been (until a couple of weeks ago), but I was already set on loving, solely based on our mutual love of hockey and maple syrup.
January and February flew by, and suddenly it was halfway through March, the application was due in a week, and I was alternating between struggling with anxiety over summer and going through the college equivalent of the mid-life crisis in realizing that what you've worked towards over the last three semesters isn't what you wanted to do after all. I don't talk about it often, but I mentioned in my first post on here that I struggled with different cases of depression in high school. That mixed with my seeming inability to understand that God was in control when it felt like my life was spiraling out of it led to this: 1. bouts of anxiety and anger, 2. a much less productive walk with the Lord, and 3. a feeling of dread when I woke up nearly every day.
During all of this, I was struggling in school, my job was beginning to be more of a frustration than a joy, and I still didn't have a car. (I played the role of Cameron Frye minus the car really well for most of my life.) I couldn't take Knoxville much anymore, so in the midst of March I took a weekend off to go home and visit my family. While at home, I talked to my mom extensively and openly about my summer. She encouraged me to explore the option of staying in Knoxville for the summer, which I found crazy at first, because I felt as if all of my friends had experienced mission work by now and that perhaps God was calling me to do the same.
As I thought about it more and more, a quote from Greg Pinkner, an associate pastor at Fellowship Church in Knoxville, continued to pop into my head: "God doesn't call everyone to go to far-off places. For some of us, he's calling us to stay at home and serve here." The more I prayed about it, the more I felt and knew that God wanted me in Knoxville this summer. I finalized that decision the next day when my boss and I agreed on me working this summer at Sacred Heart.
I began to realize that God truly was in control, and no matter what I did with my summer, He would be there, guiding me through each day, opening my heart to serve and love. He would be teaching me just like I realized I wanted to teach others in the future. At that moment, I was able to rest in the love I knew God had for me, and for the first time in months, I truly felt joy and happiness in my heart.
The rest of the semester went well enough; I figured out what I wanted to do with my life (teaching, if you didn't know), I felt more confident in Christ, and I felt more confidence in myself as a whole. I don't believe that means much for a lot of people, but as someone who struggled heavily with self-confidence issues for essentially my entire life, it's a wonderful feeling.
As the semester wound down and summer rolled around, I began to see that God, as always, knew what He was doing. I saw that I could positively affect the lives of the middle schoolers I interacted with five days a week at Sacred Heart in everything I did, whether it was by tutoring, simply spending more time with them and less by myself, or by supporting them at their softball games. (Twice. Go Lady Eagles?) I remembered what I said to my boss the first time I met him - "I want to show the love of Christ through what I do here" - and I finally realized that I COULD do that, despite me thinking it to be such a hard thing to do.
We're nearing in on the summer camp portion of this post, so I guess I should explain a little behind the titling of this. Middle schoolers can be best split into fractions: 1/4 teenage awkwardness, 1/4 sass, and 1/2 insanity. I knew before taking the job at Sacred Heart that working with the toughest age group at the school would be a challenge, but even in that, I truly did enjoy going back to the wild. I honestly could credit the middle schoolers at SHCS for so many things, but in short, they showed me that I really did enjoy teaching and interacting with the most awkward people ever and that it's fun to go back in time to when you were just as rough as them. Best job ever, you guys.
(no, I don't remember exactly what throwing up W's was for. we'll go with the Wu-Tang hand sign)
(wake up, Mr. West, Mr. West)
Waking up is hard to do. Yeah, I know, it's not like I had an 8 AM class this year or anything, but the "professional sleeper" part of the biography I have on here is there for a reason. I really suck at waking up on time unless I'm extremely motivated to wake up for something, and while I do love my job at Sacred Heart, it's still a daily struggle bus for me to force myself out of bed by 8:30 to get there at 9:30. (No I don't take extremely long showers, I'm just really slow in the morning. Promise.)
Anyway, I worked 30 hours a week this summer (which isn't a lot, but hours add up more quickly in the summer than they do during the school year, seemingly), 9:30 to 3:30, Monday through Friday, following a similar schedule each day: four hours of outside time (it was sunny and at or around 90 degrees most of the summer, I'm pretty sure), two hours of not outside time in which I watched middle schoolers (and second through fourth graders from time to time) either play Mario Kart or text.
After a couple of weeks, I felt frustrated in what I was doing. I really did enjoy my job, but for whatever reason I felt like I wasn't getting enough out of it to satisfy my needs. I was focusing too much on myself and too little on others. I was letting the early (for me) mornings get to my performance at work, which led to me not being very creative with a job that requires lots of creativity and stamina. Thankfully, this went away pretty quickly after I started to kick out old habits that led to my selfishness, and I saw yet again just how much God had blessed me with a great group of kids and co-workers.
Because I could go on forever about summer camp, I'm making myself sum up the highlights in another series of bullet points. I've already shared two of my favorite stories from summer camp this year, so it's probably best I share other ones. I'm limiting myself to these three.
- We went to Dollywood during my last week at camp and there's several stories I could share about that, but my favorite one involves the funniest character I met at camp this year, a middle school kid named Reese. The other middle school counselor and I had all kinds of fun with this kid, because we knew he's going to be a high school frat star in the future and we can't wait. So many inside jokes were made about him out of how much we enjoyed his presence, but we're getting away from the main story here. Reese isn't the biggest fan of roller coasters, but I made him go on Tennessee Tornado with me, because I had to ride at least one with him that day. These two very large black gentlemen were in the row in front of us and got a kick out of conversating with a terrified Reese. Their words of advice as we reached the top of the hill, which were the best five words I heard this summer: "don't look down little buddy!" I've never laughed so hard on a roller coaster in my life; the on-ride photo was me laughing and Reese screaming. This was the greatest moment of a great day at Dollywood.
- For the majority of the summer I was sick in one form or another - a cold for the first half and a sinus infection for the last. I missed four days of work in a seven-week span after missing a total of one in my first eight months on the job, which was, in a word, terrible. However, my new best friend Isabelle (the kindergartener I talked about in the post linked above) is the nicest person ever and apparently knows my love for sea animals, so she drew me this, the best thing I received all summer.
- I received a rather unfortunate nickname around the third week of camp that may stick with me for the rest of my time at Sacred Heart. This little third grade girl named Holly was going through different nicknames for me (unfortunately for you guys, I can't remember those. But I do remember calling her Holly Bear which started the back-and-forth nickname battle.), which went on for the better part of a day. Finally, she struck gold and screamed the words "WILLY GOAT" at me, which led to the entire middle school center's roaring laughter. Some advice to other people named Will: never have a beard and the name Will. Willy Goat was my official camp name for the rest of the summer for everyone from kindergarten to eighth grade. As you can tell, Young Folks Summer Camp was wild, fun, and unforgettable.
Just Ain't Gonna Work Out
(Hawthorne, Mayer)
Summer camp wasn't the only thing to end on July 12th for me. My time in the house known as Neverland came to a close, with mixed feelings and a ton of Hawaiian Punch still in my car from my move-out day. I'll keep this relatively short even though I said this house deserved more than two sentences a few weeks ago, so here's the deal. I do think, as a whole, living in a house with nine (for half the year, eight for the other half) other people was quite the challenge for someone like me who came in as one of two real introverts in the house.
With challenges comes both good and bad qualities, and for parts of the year I let the bad outweigh the good: I didn't have very much private time or space, I became more introverted at times because of hating how extroverted my house was, and I was down and out more often than I want to admit. (We'll just go with "the entire first two months of both semesters.") Sure, I really enjoyed all of my roommates (and I mean that honestly), but any time you put ten people in a house together and tell them to function as one, it gets rough. Or at least it did for me. I battled a lot with different people and a few months into finding Neverland (shameless movie reference about a movie Will likes), I wanted out.
Because I decided this a long time before my move-out date, this summer functioned as me somewhat going through the motions, but I started to find that I began to kind of enjoy Neverland from time to time again. I started to see some joys in the house that I hadn't seen since we moved in. For the first time since the fall, I didn't hate going home after work anymore. (Having the Three Amigos together permanently for the first time since January was cool, too.)
JL and I laid the foundations of what could be the greatest thing to hit hip-hop in a decade...our debut mixtape. (Coming in September or October. I think.) Residents of the house next year (one in particular; their name starts with a Matt and ends with a Magill) would come over, watch basketball, play basketball, watch movies, talk about movies, play more basketball, and eat. I enjoyed the fact that there was a Bible study literally directly under my room (it was this way during the school year as well, but I wanted to mention it again). It was a wonderful month of June and half-month of July. However, I'll be living in a smaller apartment this year, simply because I enjoy that living situation a lot more. Still, Neverland gave me a very unforgettable twelve months of my life.
If nothing else, Neverland taught me the following things: don't steal food or this happens. Ride tire swings. Be active. Dress up. And most importantly...be creative.
I Will Be Back One Day
(Lord Huron)
presumably more appropriate theme: Now everybody from the 3-1-3...
After my time in Knoxville ended, I moved back to Middle Tennessee for the rest of the summer. I didn't realize how important Mid Tenn was to me until this past semester, when I slowly lost my sanity in Knoxville and needed to see my home again. Regardless of what I do or where I go during and after college, Middle Tennessee will always be my home, even if the town I grew up in frustrates me more often than not.
However, something that's just as important to me as keeping it real at home is getting out to see the world. I daydream about taking long road trips way too frequently and I jump at the opportunity to go anywhere. Yes, my family may go to the same places a lot, but there's something refreshing and renewing about going somewhere that isn't home. (Except you, Florida. You and your beaches are Hell on earth.)
I had the opportunity to spend two weeks in Detroit and Atlanta (one each), but I'd prefer to spend this section talking about the former. (BECAUSE URBAN SPRAWL SUCKS.) Detroit is a city very near and dear to my heart for many reasons. My dad's from there, my mom worked there, half my family lives in Detroit's suburbs, and I've been there around 15 times now. If you need a two-minute crash course in Detroit's greatness, this is it.
However, due to recent events, I think and care more about the city than I ever have before. Detroit, as you've probably heard, declared Chapter 9 bankruptcy a couple of weeks ago, which is a different way of saying Detroit is, more or less, broke, and owes a lot of money. Like, a lot. $18 billion is a lot to me, anyway. The city's leadership has been useless for decades now and the population has declined from 1.8 million to 700,000 over the last 60 years. Detroit is in a world of pain, something unlike anyone has seen before in a major American city.
What this means to me is that because God has placed this city on my heart, I feel much more motivated to care for and pray for the city of Detroit because of what it means to me. Many of my favorite childhood and adult memories can be traced back to spending time doing ridiculous things with cousins in Redford, going to church with my grandmother in Birmingham, being with my grandparents in Southfield, seeing the greatest cinematic experience I will ever have in second grade at the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn (it was a Michael Jordan documentary in 3-D, if you must know), attending sports events downtown (I was a fan for years before, but it finally hit home for me when I went to my first Lions game late in high school), and so much more.
For years, my dad has worked off-and-on in Detroit while living in Middle Tennessee, but we made what could be our last visit for a while two weeks ago, and he wanted me to get the full experience. After making the ten hour drive from McMinnville (guys, seriously, Kentucky takes FOREVER. The state takes 5,000 hours to get through despite the fact it's a north to south route), we spent the next few days doing literally everything in Detroit: eating the greatest hot dogs you can find in this country, seeing the Detroit skyline from Canada (which costs $9.50 total to go to, there and back), driving through some of Wayne County's worst neighborhoods to see the "real Detroit" (this video is a great sampler and shows several that we went to; if you saw these neighborhoods in person, you'd understand why this is a highlight), going back to the Henry Ford Museum for the first time since second grade (no MJ documentary, though), and those are just the immediate highlights I can think of.
Almost everything said in the video posted above is true (Detroit's unemployment rate is 16%, not 50%, which is still very bad), which leads back to the statement I made earlier: Detroit is in a period that no American city may have ever seen before. I've been praying a lot for the city, its leadership, and the state of Michigan's control over the city (the governor, Rick Snyder, appointed an emergency financial manager, Kevyn Orr, to essentially take over the city for 18 months) and the direction those will take in the immediate future. I have too much love invested in my family that lives in/around the city and the communities there that I can't help but think and care a lot about it. I pray that the Lord is with the people of Detroit in every step they take to ensure this once-great city's return to being great again. It's going to take a while, but Detroit will come back. They always do; these people go harder than anyone else I know (if you're going to read one thing I link to, it should be this), and maybe that's why I love them so much.
Return to Hot Chicken
(Yo La Tengo, but this is a better introduction to the band, because 95% of readers likely do not know of a Yo La Tengo. But seriously, hot chicken is so good Yo La Tengo wrote THREE songs about it.)
Oh, but it's not like I can't give love in the longest post I've ever written to my favorite American city, you know. I grew up slightly under 90 minutes from Nashville in a small town in the Interstate Triangle of Tennessee, but, like Detroit, I can connect so many of the best childhood (and, yes, adult) memories of my life to Nashville. Bridgestone Arena is my second home, the Batman Building is way cooler than any other famous architectural achievement, I loved visiting the Frist and Tennessee Performing Arts Center during summer camps in elementary school, and the city itself just screams "cool." (There's not really a better way to put it. I'm sorry. I'll go home now.)
Through high school, I knew that I enjoyed Nashville a lot, but I took it for granted. I began to really despise Middle Tennessee as I moved on to college and began to consider Knoxville my new home. The aforementioned collegiate mid-life crisis shook me back into loving Middle Tennessee, but now that I've spent some time away from Middle Tennessee, I realize just how lucky I am to be close to such a fantastic city. It's been fun watching it grow from being known as nothing more than the birthplace of country music to now being America's "it city." (Sorry, Macklemore, but this is "The Town.")
I feel like there will be a time in the future when I write a love letter to Nashville much like I wrote the letter of indifference to McMinnville, so I'll save the actual good writing for then. Here's the point of this: if you know me, you know that I have a love for food that is second behind my love for Jesus. (The Predators are third.) This summer, I finally had the chance to enjoy a food item that's definitively Nashville: hot chicken.
Hot chicken is exactly what it sounds like: hot fried chicken. Oh, but it's so much more: the perfect balance between heated pain and delicious poultry is found at several locations throughout Nashville and almost nowhere else in the country. (Asheville, Portland, NYC, Atlanta, and Ann Arbor (!) have versions of Nashville hot chicken, and that's all I know of.) Hot chicken makes use of cayenne pepper - lots and lots of cayenne pepper, along with some other spices - to really emphasize the "hot."
The original hot chicken eatery can be found in North Nashville at Prince's Hot Chicken Shack. Aside from the fact that's it's freaking named Prince's Hot Chicken Shack, here are three reasons to go immediately to Prince's Hot Chicken Shack: 1. The store has THIS prominently displayed. 2. SERIOUSLY LOOK IT'S A RUNNING CHICKEN MAN!!! 3. Just look at it.
Hot chicken is the single most addicting dish I've ever had because it's the most unique dish I've ever had. My dear friend Grant (who will be going to Lipscomb U shortly!) had the joy of watching me sweat while trying Prince's medium (the medium, mind you, is an extra-hot on most restaurants' scales), but the heat is so worth it just because the chicken itself is better than your grandma's. I just wrote four paragraphs on a meal I had. I think I'm losing it. I'll stop this right now. But seriously, hot chicken, you guys.
Feel It All Around
(Washed Out)
So now, it's August, and here we are. Like I said when I started writing this monster of a post, I learned more about myself from May to August than I did in the 19.5 years before. Some of those learning experiences are harder to put into words than others, so maybe it's best if I just choose the most important ones. Some of these may strike you as inane or nonsensical, but they've been a big part of my summer and are the reason that the summer of 2013 is the most memorable summer I've experienced yet.
For example, in the middle of a pickup basketball game, of all things, I learned how to deal with depression when it hits me and it feels like I have nowhere immediate to run. I had always had Bible verses that I liked to turn to when times were hard - 1 Peter 5:6-7, Jeremiah 29:11, John 16:33, etc. - but there were times of doubt when the words felt empty and I struggled to find something positive to look at. I hadn't played a full game of basketball in over a year until this summer rolled around, and it was the only consistent recreational activity I was able to enjoy. Even though I rarely enjoy things that I'm not that good at, I've always been able to get past negative feelings to play basketball.
In the middle of a game, though, something went off in me and every positive feeling I had drained from my body. I don't remember what exactly caused it, but I don't deal very well with deconstructive feedback and words do a lot of damage for me, so perhaps someone said something I disagreed with. Whatever it was, from having experienced this many times before in other situations, I knew the oncoming waves of nothingness all too well. I sat down and shut down, blocking out everything around me to try to focus on what went wrong. For whatever reason, though, I couldn't immediately pinpoint why. I kept staring at the ceiling and wondering what could've caused me to go from content to catatonic so quickly.
It's weird that in life, you can have such simple but mind-blowing realizations that can change your mood, your confidence level, and everything around you. I started to think about my relationship with Jesus and why I didn't have the joy of the Lord if He was my savior. I began to realize that some of the central causes of my depression were putting things that had little importance above my relationship with Jesus and suffering the consequences of worldly desires when I was let down by said things. It's never fun to realize just how deeply wrong you were, but it's a joyful thing when it comes to Jesus, because no matter what I do or how far I fall, He still loves me and I love Him. I haven't had an issue with depression since that day and I hope to keep this going for a while.
I found out that it's possible for me to attack my self-confidence issues, which I've battled my entire life. I struggle with social anxiety and I'm somewhat introverted (which people are surprised by, in turn surprising me), which leads to me having trouble breaking old habits from an old heart. I was very insecure in high school, mostly because I was always frustrated over my figure (during my junior year, I was 220 pounds; I typically weigh in somewhere around 165-170 now) and because Warren County isn't exactly conducive to the whole "being yourself" thing.
Being insecure has carried over into college, but this year (and this summer) I learned a lot about being confident in myself and being able to understand that God made me who I am because He wants me to be who I am. I didn't understand this in high school - I didn't become a follower of Jesus until after I graduated - but feeling like I "get it" in college has been wonderful. I'm not terrified of meeting new people anymore; I actually really enjoy it. I went from scoring 54% introverted the first time I took the personality test to under 20% when I re-took it in May. For entertainment purposes, unfortunately, there isn't a real "breakthrough" moment here. It's just that I slowly figured out that I can be myself and be confident in that while being confident in the Lord and His plan for me.
I learned how to buy a car. (I would've laughed at that sentence too, it's fine.) It took me a month and several different potential sellers to go through once I started, but I finally ended up with one that meets my needs and gets me to and from work. This is only worth including because the amount of cars I borrowed to drive to work this past year (five) and the rides I've borrowed were way too high to continue on with, so it's good that I used the money I've saved up since midway through high school to avoid having to do that anytime soon.
I've always been told that summer was the most opportune time of the year to experience growth and I've been able to see that this summer in more ways that one - spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. (Not physically. Why work out when there's donuts?) After several summers in my youth where I felt stagnant and had no taste for enjoying a summer, it was such a relief and joy to see a summer I had anticipated a lot come to fruition in ways I didn't expect. Thank you, Jesus, for the summer of 2013.
I Want Wind to Blow
(the Microphones)
Where do I go from here? I'm sitting here typing this in McMinnville on August 5th. I move into my new apartment in Knoxville on the 10th. Sacred Heart's school year starts on the 12th, so I'll be working again in a week. Freshmen move in on the 16th and 17th, and I'll be co-leading a Bible study in Clement Hall with four others. Classes start on the 21st, and I've got 16 hours to take care of while attempting to catch up to graduate on time. I have to interview to get into the Education program this fall. I will be balancing school, work, Cru, payments, and more. I'm also supposed to have some semblance of a social life, so we'll root for that too.
It sounds like it's going to be a tough, challenging, and potentially overwhelming semester...and I can't wait. If I've learned one thing this summer, it's to welcome challenges, because when I feel challenged and pushed, I feel as if I should trust God more in what I do. When I begin to feel overwhelmed, I can rest in knowing that He has a plan for me and that it is good. I want wind to blow, because that's where I can see God work the most - when it seems like things are getting crazy and it feels like life is spiraling out of control yet again, I know He is in control and I have nothing to worry about. When I am being pushed to take steps forward, I have faith that God wants me to take these steps with Him by my side.
Sure, this semester will be hard and challenging and a really, really long four months. But there's something inherently beautiful in being able to rest in knowing that I am not in control. Jesus is, and that's the best feeling of all.
Thanks for reading/Go Vols,
William Edward Warren I
