Pysäkki

(The Third Man, 1950; Finnish for "a stop")

Hello. It has been a while since I posted on here.

That is due to several factors - general lethargy, this being an inferior outlet to WordPress, excessive listening to Rich Gang's "War Ready" - but the majority reason of this is that my work at my media blog, In Appreciation Of, is not only something I really have enjoyed doing, but has also begun to accumulate a decent-enough viewership (about 53% more last month than this blog has averaged over its course of time). 

I am currently in my penultimate semester at the University of Tennessee, and if there is one thing I have learned in college, it's to pick something you enjoy doing and do that thing as long as you can mine it for what it's worth. I enjoy writing. I enjoy writing about media, and I enjoy writing as a marketer, proposer, and a quasi-socialite. I enjoy the business side of things. I enjoy a keyboard, a Kinks album, and a steady supply of water and fried chicken.

This past few months, I have realized something else: I never particularly enjoyed writing about Will.

It's nothing personal - I kind of like me, and the self-confidence issue I've had since birth is not quite as much of a problem now. It's just that writing about my own personal life is boring.

Why should I write about myself when I have the ability to tell stories that are much greater?

I stopped wanting to write about myself sometime in the spring, when I realized that I loved writing and hated trying to come up with descriptions about how my life was going. I don't need to tell you my story in a different way twice a month. I love Jesus, but trying to figure out what he was trying to tell me every two weeks was exhausting. I don't feel that that's what I'm here to do.

That's why writing about music for the last four months has made me feel much more positive about myself and my ability to write. Music is, after all, a gift from God. Each Psalm is a song. Exodus 15 records Moses and company as singing "a song of victory." Joshua 6 describes the walls of Jericho falling, soundtracked by trumpets.

Describing others' accomplishments for four months has given me a greater appreciation (no pun) for what the human mind can accomplish with its natural and spiritual gifts. Humans are deeply flawed individuals who come together to create harmonic productions that simply cannot be done without a greater hand.

In Appreciation Of has grown into an outlet where I am able to appreciate those accomplishments each week, and, for whatever reason, it has received very favorable reviews thus far. I am very grateful for every view of my writing I receive, because the patience one has to sit through arbitrary lists and rankings and Tim Hecker fawning is rather difficult.

In the year 2014, I have been approved to graduate from a world-famous university, become involved in a college-centered Bible study at a church, started and continued a relationship with a wonderful woman, eaten lots of food, lost and gained ten pounds, and got new glasses. Those are the essential facts, and writing more than that feels like a waste of space. There are better stories to tell, and I'm interested in hearing them and relaying them.

I do not know where I will be sitting and typing next October 3rd. It doesn't matter. What matters is the stories of others that have happened and will happen between now and next year.

Good night, and good luck. Enjoy, love, and appreciate your own renaissances. Don't think twice, it's all right.

Will

Japanese to English

(2001's The Royal Tenenbaums; Red House Painters)

Henry James' The Real Thing is a short story about a painter who hires out a far-past-their-prime couple to model for his work. The Monarchs, unable to fulfill the painter's needs appropriately, end up damaging his work on a long-term basis, while a lower-class couple encompasses the painter's ideas more accurately. In short, the painter chases what he considers to be the real thing at face value without exploring for deeper meaning, permanently altering his career, work, and stories.

There comes a point in time where a person has to stop, consider their work, and ask themselves, "what am I chasing?" The idea of the real thing as an attainable goal of a job/monetary success/happy family/other values is flimsy, even as a generic concept. Meg Jay's The Defining Decade encounters the lives of several twenty-something individuals, walking the reader through stories that many of us who are in college, graduated, or just starting out can identify and feel with.

Jay presents the idea of chasing your dreams as your own personal real thing, using job searching as her category in one quote: “Do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next.” Essentially, we shouldn't be chasing whatever we can find in the manner of a younger dog playing with a chew toy until it has shredded it more than the Spurs offense shreds opponents, ready to move onto the next one. Working at Starbucks or Kroger helps in a monetary sense for a short period of time, but job-hopping adds nothing to one's résumé, only making the waters murkier while making your own advancement more difficult.

The most depressing thought a person can encounter is the idea of putting in hard work and large amounts of time, only to realize that these efforts may have ended up being a march towards futility. I don't consider my work with education to be anything in that light - my dear mother went the same path as I, getting a teaching license, although never using it - but it's a thought that entered my head while on vacation and I can't figure out how to let it escape.

Over the last two weeks, I've struggled a lot with figuring out my own path in life. The idea of false-starting over and over as if time were indeed a flat circle is something all too familiar to a 20-year-old three major changes in and still as lost as ever. The thought of the college experience being a thinly-veiled monetary scam is one for another time, but part of me continues to wonder if I've found the right road yet.

I still consider education to be a path of priority, along with continuing to plan on interviewing in November to enter the program at the University of Tennessee. For the first time, though, I find myself opening my eyes to other available paths that suddenly look quite attractive and enjoyable - business, finance, marketing, etc. Decade answers several questions I had had previously about the job market, such as "will employers still hire me if my degree seemingly has no relation whatsoever to the job?" (Answer: yes. Businesses of all sizes are a diverse workplace and need a large variety of skills to operate with efficiency.)

My biggest worry upon writing this is that friends, relatives, and my poor mother will read this and see it as a final suicide note to a path that I had considered worth the adversity for some time. It isn't that, exactly; it's more of looking at the idea of reopening your commitment. As a collegian and follower of several different sports, the idea of recruitment and commitment and something I've encountered and will continue to encounter for a long time. Comforting, for the most part.

Will

Writing is fun. Keep updated with my other work at In Appreciation Of.

Positive Vibrations

(FX's Louie; the Soft Boys)

I have several issues that I'm trying to either resolve completely or resolve to myself at the moment (including the excessive use of "I" to start off posts). A few are certain inabilities that are in extreme need to be corrected in some capacity - my struggle to finish any project or work I embark on at a reasonable rate, my internal necessity to put every pressure and stress inducing-idea I can think of on myself at one time, etc. - but it takes time and space to do this, along with realizing that some issues you have with yourself cannot be fixed, and one has to be at peace with that idea.

I talked a couple of weeks ago about getting older and the newfound struggles it brings, along with the new discovery of ideas of growing up and accepting more responsibilities that causes an immediate struggle between heart and brain. As humans, we have an innate need to satisfy our heart, and the idea of only being able to successfully fill either the heart or brain's needs without keeping both happy is a struggle that few of us have embraced and succeeded against at this point in our lives, unless you're reading this and are not a twenty-something who can't seem to dig out the answers like you were able to before new pressures arose.

The most enjoyable pastime for me this summer has been one that I found to be a common thread between my youth and my time as an adult: listening to, and reviewing, the ever-increasing and ever-diversifying (although at a slower rate than ever before, seemingly) world of music. The 400 album project is over 20% done, which makes it one of the best and more timely progressions I've made in years, the other being cohesively determining this to be the greatest review of any album ever written.

My mother sends me encouraging emails sometimes and she'd probably be a little bit upset if I were to share the ever-so private contents of those, but this week's encouraging email was a little different than most. Enclosed were words that attended the most urgent of matters to my mental health and were more helpful than ever before, and I found myself satisfied heart-wise. However, to satisfy my brain as well, I'll need to return, re-read the email a few times, research the general ideas of improvement, apply them, and then analyze to see if they've improved my own mental health. Writing this made it easy enough for me to see why I focus so much on helping my heart while ignoring the necessities of my head.

Most of this has been written at the extremely productive and intelligent thought-inducing hour of 1 AM with the impending doom of waking up in less than seven hours to attend to the mostly heart-based needs of children that finished preschool more recently than you finished watching Fargo. My intent for these posts is for them to be the vaguely cohesive-sounding thoughts of someone growing up, finding the fun in being serious, and understanding the appeal in not leaving your apartment because you can't leave a book like Shotgun Lovesongs. Sometimes you need to be at peace with who you need to be in that moment, and if not, you'll get there eventually. Yeezy season approaching.

• In Appreciation Of launched this week, with my friends Harrison and Brian making several contributions. Check us out and follow us on Twitter at @IPOblog.
• My first project is to do a musical review of the first few months of 2014, which should be a fairly easy thing to do, considering the speed of high-quality releases in 2014 has sputtered along at the pace of a '95 Geo. The long-term project: the top 10 albums of every year of my life from 1993 to 2014, once a week for 22 weeks. That will be starting on June 9th, while at the beach. This is also a terrible idea that you should read.
• Summer projects update: music (83/400), film (8/100), TV (3/50), books (6/25). Welp.
• Speaking of Shotgun Lovesongs, it's the best novel of 2014 thus far (although I'll be reading The Invention of Wings in Florida next week to see if it takes the title). If you like small-town America and musicians that are very obviously inspired by Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, you should check it out immediately.
• Best eat of the month: hot whiting filet with white bread, pickles, baked beans, and sweet corn at Bolton's Spicy Chicken and Fish in East Nashville. 8.7/10.
• FREE MUSIC FRIDAY, from JL and I: "Big Whip."

I was maimed by rock and roll,

W. E. Warren

A Life of Possibilities

(1979's Manhattan; the Dismemberment Plan)

One of the hardest realizations of growing older - that is, hitting your senior year in college and entering your first mid-mid-life crisis - is that you aren't special at very many things. I came to terms with this a while ago, but the realization of being exceptionally good at a very slight few things, none of which are focusing on any one activity ever, is kind of disappointing in some way.

The categories/things that I consider myself to have legitimately exceptional abilities and potential in are not that important to my future (for instance, my ability to listen to music, analyze it for deeper meaning, and form an opinion rapidly and fluently is nice to have, but can I use that in a classroom?), but they do open doors in some fashion. Regardless, being in a season of change and realizing that you aren't the smartest one in the room is a challenge.

My parents have done an amazing job over the last few months of preparing me for the idea of post-college, a world where it becomes increasingly likely day by day that I won't immediately have a job in the field that I want a job in. Working in an office isn't the worst thing ever, either; there are plenty of opportunities for me to succeed in that environment. Life is so much more than my career, however; life represents a wild, colorful field full of possibilities, open doors, and an immeasurable amount of daily opportunities. To explore these opportunities, I have to first realize the innate self-worth deep inside me.

On a personal level, the amount of daily struggles I face in finding self-importance is high, and it fluctuates along with my mood. It took 20+ years to understand that bipolar disorder is a very real thing and that I'm affected with it and by it. If nothing else, I finally have an answer for why my moods can change quickly and why depression and anxiety have been such a large part of my life for so long.

The biggest challenge and struggle in finding self-importance is realizing your own self-importance, in that you, as a person, were created to make an impact in others' lives. It's hard to realize this from time to time (especially in high school, where the amount of real, legitimate friends I had by the end of my junior year was in single digits), but we are here for a reason. Far too often, I take this idea for granted, because there are days when I feel like the smallest cog in the grand machine. How could I possibly affect lives on a large scale? Is what I'm doing important? Am I important?

The answer to all of these is quite simple, even if I have trouble believing it some days: of course I'm important. Of course what I'm doing is important. Potentially, whether through teaching or a different type of work, I can affect lives on a greater scale than in a small room of smaller people. Does it take me longer to realize this than it probably does for you? Probably. However, I have been given the opportunity to seek a life of possibilities; it is my choice to seek out mine and your choice to find yours. 

• I have now reached the "college angst" portion of my life, where some of my best friends are moving away and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Chances are that you, too, will go through this at some point if you are my age or younger. Along with praying on it, which is my recommended action for those who see prayer as important as I do, two albums that I love madly and deeply that speak eloquently on this subject are Emergency & I by the Dismemberment Plan, along with the Meadowlands by the Wrens. Both of these albums are on Spotify.
• In Appreciation Of goes live this week with a few different posts: an introduction, an essential albums list, and everything I found wrong with The Amazing Spider-Man 2. I plan on posting there more frequently than I will on here, simply because writing is an effective outlet of my free time and I'd love to do it as much as possible if you're willing to read.
• Go follow @YJTmusic on Twitter. JL and I will be posting more stuff this week. Expect more releases this summer, because we'll both have a fair amount of free time, for the most part.
• I plan on listening to at least 400 albums for the first time this summer. I'm at 20 now. This will go until the end of August. Keep up with my progress here on RateYourMusic, where I'll be rating each one.
• A shortlist of projects for the summer: 400 albums (21/400 done), 100 movies (5/100), 50 seasons of TV (2/50), 25 books (1/25). Maybe we'll just extend this to the rest of the year.

My mind is filled with radio cures,

Will

American Weekend

(2002's Punch-Drunk Love; song)

Think about how this semester has gone for you. If you were asked to describe it in a few words, what would you describe it as? (Forever and always "This Boy is Exhausted" by the Wrens.) Would you look back on how your schedule was the schedule from hell or how you met many new people, forged new friendships, saw your two most important relationships become deeper and stronger, and overall felt like you had improved on your fall semester in many a way?

That's how I'm choosing to look back on the toughest semester of my life. Combining 19 hours of classes with working part-time, doing ministry work, and trying to cobble together something vaguely resembling a social life while juggling many other things I like to do was never going to work altogether, and it wasn't long before I felt like I was being forced to drop something.

My social presence went away first. While it wasn't very tragic because I'm an introvert and there are some days where other people are a major annoyance, it was still unfortunate, because I do like seeing people that I don't see every day. Writing letters is one of my best forms of communication, but it isn't very realistic to be doing that during the school year. (Also, Facebook messaging is, but I was embarrassed to admit it let's forget I ever wrote this run-on sentence.)

As the semester ran on, I saw my commitments dwindling and my stress level increasing. I failed to set up consistent discipleship times with the people I lead Bible study with this semester and I've felt terrible about it for months. I went weeks without speaking to some of my best friends. I knew that it would end, but I felt wrapped up in the greater mystery of finals week and what impact it would have on my grades. It was impossible to remove myself from my academic work.

While it has indeed been great for my productivity and efficiency levels (they've never been higher), I've had a lot of trouble in rejoicing in the Lord at times this semester. It has indeed been hard, but I took some time this morning to think about things that Jesus has blessed me with this semester, and as always, it was way more than I could remember or ever imagine.

He gave me opportunities to meet new people that I consider really wonderful people over the last couple of months. He's blessed me with the ability to play basketball (decently!) for most weekdays over the last few weeks. I have been given the opportunity to work with Sacred Heart's summer camp after a previous opportunity fell through, which I attribute to Him, as always.

It's been a wild and weird semester, and I want to thank anyone reading this for taking the journey with me, either through text or in person. Thanks to everyone for the most memorable four months of my life, and I hope I'm still here to get to do it all over again in August. I'll have consistent updates throughout the summer, and hopefully my life is still occasionally entertaining enough to write about it.

• I don't have some sort of phenomenal opening sentence, because it's hard for me to jump around a really fun fact for very long: I saw Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band perform on Saturday. It was one of the greatest three-hour experiences that I'll ever have in life and I would gladly do it all over again, especially outdoors in a city I've completely come around on in the last year in Atlanta. I'll go more in-depth on the show on my other blog soon, but just know that it was pretty freaking incredible.
• Because the rate of good new releases in the music world has slowed down this year (barring a better/more notable back half of the year, this is shaping up to be two straight "meh" musical years with a couple great albums and nothing more. Come through for me, Swans!), this month's playlist is made up entirely of songs that are from 2010 or earlier (the last great year in music). A lot of it is older stuff that I listened to a lot in high school and recently revisited/wanted to make sure they were known by more people I associate with. Here is your May playlist.
• I've finally decided what I would like to write on/"appreciate" for my other site, In Appreciation Of. It's a sort of revisionist history in terms of looking back on recent years and determining what the real best releases were from those years after I've had substantial time to revisit albums I had distinct first opinions on. Unfortunately, it's finals time and I have six exams, so this will take a while to do. Expect something to be posted within two weeks. I'm forcing myself to leave room for error. This is really embarrassing.
• I haven't had time to watch very many films from 2014, but I feel safe in saying that Under the Skin is your winner so far. I'm only recommending this to people that I know are fine with films that require deep thought. If not, stay away. If so, hurry up and see it.
• This is a work in progress, but I'll throw it at you anyway. There's but a week left in finals and summer is on the horizon. Here's a playlist to celebrate with some of my favorite summer-tinged recordings.
• I have six exams over the next week. If you need to get in touch with me, I likely won't be responding in a manner as efficient as I would like, so this is my apology.

That illiterate light is with us every night,

Will

Lights Out

(1984's Paris, Texas; song here)

(this post includes a long feature on twenty albums that have shaped my life in some way; that list can be found after the page break)

If there has been one discovery I've made during this learning experience of a semester, it's that there's only so many things in life you can truly enjoy. It's important to stop, take time to enjoy those things, and realize that you're in a pretty lucky position to be able to enjoy what you love just by being alive in that very moment on this planet.

To the surprise of exactly no one ever, I was playing basketball yesterday (Wednesday) afternoon. If you know me at all, you know that basketball is perhaps my favorite activity in this world other than eating, and it's something I enjoy with a deep and fierce passion. It's an outlet for me to work off frustration and then realize that I'm still having fun playing a sport I love.

After finishing up by making a few last shots, I took time to sit down on the back of my car and look out at what surrounded me. The place that I play at is in the middle of Fort Sanders, surrounded by concrete hospitals and deteriorating houses that haven't been renovated in decades. It's not the most beautiful place for a person to enjoy the sights, but sometimes you have to adjust your settings to get the highest amount of happiness out of it.

As I sat down, I started thinking about how utterly insane it was that God was allowing me to do more than a few things Wednesday afternoon. Despite how flawed I am, God loves me (and you!) enough to give me the ability to breathe, to run, to shoot, to see, to love, to feel, and to do so many things in life that I completely don't deserve to do. After blowing my own mind for a minute, I realized again that the best thing I can do in life is bring glory to someone who gives me the opportunity every day to do an incredible range of things despite doing nothing on my own end to deserve these abilities. God is pretty great, you guys.

Be Good

(2013's Her; song here)


(side note: I was asked to write something this week, so here it is. I'll have something better up soon.)

This week, I was advised twice by two different people at UT for two different focuses of my studies. One was from a Secondary Education adviser, telling me what steps to take and how to get to the point where I can achieve my aspirations of being a middle/high school English teacher. The other: my English adviser, who did two nice things in telling me to keep pushing forward and by clicking a button to make me eligible to register for classes.

Nothing about the previous paragraph is notable, except for the fact that advising seems to have parallels with other important stretches of life: I come into places expecting/hoping to get in and out quickly, but end up asking every question that could possibly come to mind at that moment to ensure that I'm covered. I've been seeing that occur lately in life with my walk with Christ, my living situation, and much more.

Recently, I had to figure out where I was living for my senior year of college. Very rarely was the idea of finding somewhere to live a stressful situation for me, because I've typically had an idea of where I wanted to live and who I wanted to be with. However, I woke up on Monday without a home for my final undergraduate year and without much positivity or hope for the situation.

On Sunday night, I learned that I'd have to find alternate plans for next year. I would like to say that I'm at the stage of life where I can deal with things like this pretty rationally, but from time to time it doesn't work that way. I frantically tried to get in touch with everyone I knew that didn't already have a steady living situation. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly lost as to what to do.

"Let go and let God" is a saying I've heard many times in my life about anxieties/worries and your relationship with the Lord, but I had never really experienced it until now. For a long time, I had a position of being willing to let him control some things, but I was never able to truly reconcile the idea of giving up my control of my own life. Efficiency is an extremely important thing to me and when I was unable to find an immediate answer to my problem, I had to let go and understand that God had control of what was happening to me.

The situation resolved itself on Monday night, but God showed me in a really powerful way what happens when he's in control of my life. When I finally accepted about midway through Monday that God was going to put me wherever he saw fit, I felt much more relaxed and much less nervous about senior year. I went to the park. I played basketball. (I also played the best basketball of my life, maybe. Tennessee's Doug McDermott. Or at least Steven Pearl.) I felt happier than I had felt in months. Cool things happen when you stop forcing yourself to control and let someone who knows more than you take care of it.

• My CRU playlists haven't been in high demand lately; however, lucky you, I'm dropping TWO NEW ONES today. One is a playlist for April, the other the ten best songs of 2014 (so far, in ascending order).
• Continuing on music, here is the official List of Recommended 2014 Albums (So Far):
• The War on Drugs, Lost in the Dream
• Sun Kil Moon, Benji
• Real Estate, Atlas
• Cloud Nothings, Here and Nowhere Else
• St. Vincent, St. Vincent
• Frankie Cosmos, Zentropy
• Future Islands, Singles
• Review of NCAA Tournament predictions made on this blog: Michigan to Elite 8 (yes), Tennessee to Round of 32 (underestimation! Then again, I didn't expect a game against Mercer), and Florida to win the title (still in play; likely winner).
• We're at the point of the year where the weather is fantastic for a couple weeks and then it becomes hotter than the hottest of hot chicken, so if you like basketball and friends, let me know if you would like to play at THE Fort Sanders Educational Development Center anytime soon.
• Public Shaming Weight Update: since deciding to limit the amount of soft drinks I partake in on March 5 (I'm down to one per week), I've dropped five pounds to 165, which is halfway to my goal of 160. This bullet serves no purpose other than reminding myself to finish the job/win the game/etc.
• In Appreciation Of... will be starting next week. It's been a rough time with creativity/scheduling recently, so the project should get off the ground soon enough. It'll be in full bloom after early May.
• Current project: I did a 20 at 20 for individual songs earlier this year. I'll be unveiling the 20 for 20: Album Edition with the next blog I post on here.
• Currently reading: Baja Oklahoma, by Dan Jenkins.

Where the sun doesn't come down,

Will

Friends of Friends

(frame from 1986's Castle in the Sky, song by Hospitality)

(I have an announcement I'm excited to share! It's a bit further down if you're interested. Also, the essay portion of this is really long because I have a lot to talk about. Apologies.)

It's no secret that a main goal of mine both in life and on this blog is to share ideas and thoughts that make people think. Critical thinking is a skill necessary for any sort of success in life and it's ignored all too often in the American education system today. It's important to work out that muscle so you can then be able to flex it at some point. (Note: my weight room metaphors are not the best, probably because I can count on one hand the amount of times I've worked out ever.)

This time around, I want to try something a little different that's based on an idea a friend of mine lent some time ago. Think back to three months from today's date. You were wallowing in the last days of 2013, possibly still taking final exams or figuring out how you were going to survive Christmas break (me, always). That's not the important point here, though.

Think about all of the people you've met in the last three months. Think about how friendships have changed or what life events have happened or what little events happened that you'll remember for a long time. Lastly, think about this: do you remember, at any point that isn't today or yesterday, why you were so upset at a person or a group of people?

Two really cool things have happened in the last three months (actually, the last eight days), and they weren't events that I would have expected to see in such an important light three months ago. Without being able to see God working in these situations, I can't guarantee that I would have gotten as much out of them as I currently am.

Eight days ago (it's killing me that it's been this long), I saw one of my favorite musical groups, Arcade Fire, play a live concert. I had been excited about this show from the moment my friend Matt and I bought tickets in November. The concert was at the KFC Yum! Center (the Yum! stands for Yum! Brands, an overarching category to which Taco Bell, KFC, Pizza Hut, etc. belong) in Louisville, Kentucky, and it was going to be a great time. However, it didn't really hit me that I was going or that the concert was a real thing until the night before when I realized that at that time the next night I'd be at the bottom of a 19,000 seat arena, watching a band I've loved since eighth grade play beautiful music that sounds wonderful when both upbeat and depressed.

I never saw a live concert until I began attending UT. McMinnville's closest major city is Nashville, which is 90 minutes way. I didn't have a car in high school and most shows I really wanted to see had an age limit of 18 and over, so attending those shows was never a possibility. On the occasion that my mom and I both saw that a band we both listened to was coming to Nashville, we never cared enough to make the drive to the overpriced and overhyped Ryman Auditorium to watch them play.

Because of that, I never thought I'd see bands like Arcade Fire in person. Last Thursday evening, though, it became a reality. Matt and I rushed to the general admission area, where we had bought tickets to be on the floor (we also stood in line for nearly four hours, so hey!). Neither of us realized until about a minute after we'd arrived at the floor that we were standing front and (slightly off) center of where Win Butler would be shouting lyrics at us two hours from then.

There were several people I met in line or at the concert that I'll always hold in memory. However, the one I'll always remember most is the guy standing to my right. Tim, a junior at Purdue University, had driven the three hours from West Lafayette to Louisville (note: I originally thought this was much longer, because it feels much longer when you make the drive yourself en route to Chicago), and was visibly excited. I didn't see this guy while I was in line (although I did become friends with the guy behind me and the guy in front of Matt, so I did something right, possibly).

Until Arcade Fire came on, Tim and I discussed life, where we were from, why we listened to Arcade Fire, and why we were who we were. I discovered that Tim was an Industrial Design major (this would fall under the architecture branch at UT) and that he'd be spending his summer in San Diego, interning and living a life that we rarely get the chance to live.

Although not a Christian, Tim was someone I could see myself being really good friends with if for some reason he had chosen to attend UT. He was an incredibly nice person and one of the greatest experiences I may ever have on this planet is the time Arcade Fire made the executive decision to make "Wake Up" their eternal closing song, to which Tim and I screamed out the lyrics with what we had left, exhausted after a long day and a lot of yelling back lyrics at a man also named William (who prefers "Win") with longer hair and better style than I.

As we left, Tim and I hugged and he wished me luck on my exam. Ever since then, I've been wondering every day if we should have traded numbers, agreed to be Facebook friends, or something else of the sort to stay in communication with each other. It's bugged me for over a week now and I've been left wondering if I could have had more conversations with him at a later date, because I want to. I badly wanted to have the ability to impact his life in some form.

Then again, perhaps God brings people into our lives for a short period of time so that they can impact us. When I saw Tim, I didn't see a non-Christian Chicago sports fan that I only talked to initially because it would have been awkward if we were next to each other for five hours and didn't. I saw a guy whose heart is big (although a bit misplaced, considering he's a Blackhawks fan) and who was loving the joy of the moment he was experiencing, surely one of the most incredible experiences he'd had (it's one for me, too).

It's the same reasoning I've been having to apply to people I've met on the basketball court (shoutouts to my new friends JaDarius and Steve). Obviously, I'd like to have opportunities to impact the lives of people I meet every day, and those opportunities will come. However, I think God's teaching me a lesson by having people like Tim teach me things. 

A big theme recently for me has been learning to live in the moment, because I sometimes get lost in the idea of waiting for the future to come. If I don't pay attention to what's happening in front of me, I'm losing valuable opportunities to seek the little joys in life as they come. Tim, for the five hours I knew him, was all about those little joys. The best I can do is use his advice and love those little joys, too.

BULLET POINTS

In which I try to figure out what else is notable from the last three weeks, other than taking six exams in nine days.

• The big announcement I mentioned in the short prologue is this: I'm starting a new blog. I'll still be posting on here, but I like to reserve this for big posts that I want to work my thoughts out in. This new blog is for things that are not that, because 1. I hate Tumblr, 2. They're too long to tweet. I'd also like to cover in greater detail items that would normally be relegated to bullet points on here. It's titled An Appreciation Of... and it will be debuting within the next two or three days, likely with 3,000 words on Lil B's Kevin Durant diss.
• I refuse to make any official bracket predictions until the bracket itself is released, but I'd like to revise some earlier predictions: Michigan (if 2 seed) to the Elite 8, Tennessee (if 11 seed) to Round of 32 (if 12 seed, first round exit).
• It's spring break! Go to the beach, or don't; either way, here's a daylight-themed playlist of sorts that is half-cold and half-fun sunny stuff, like March.
• Lent update: decided to give up soft drinks for this year. Currently going eight days strong after making myself drink a Pepsi to attempt to stay awake on the ride home from Louisville. (It didn't work at all.)
• Six exams in nine days is the new worst thing ever. The closest comparison is having six exams in nine days.
• Spring break plans: watch/play basketball, read, write, watch at least ten movies and a season of TV, etc. Have fun, you guys.

Try pink carnations,

Will

Past Lives

(frame from 1985's The Purple Rose of Cairo, song HERE)

During my junior year of college, I've had several incredible discoveries: the green Superball-that-isn't-a-Superball I covered in December, El Mezcal, True Detective, The Market in downtown Knoxville, any Popeyes location I didn't previously know about, Kazoozles, etc. These all serve different purposes and (along with my walk with Jesus, of course) help keep me sane, especially since half of my life is spent in an existential crisis over misplaced socks.

Making any new discovery is always a delight, whether it's a new television show that you can't stop thinking about (Martin Hart is the Yellow King, by the way) or something as simple as the best junk food you've had since the first time you tried a 3 Musketeers bar. It's rare that you're the first to discover something (unless it's Broad City and everyone discovered it at the same time), but even if it wasn't an original thought, it's still an enjoyable happening.

The best discovery I've made in the last twelve months is not one I made myself. The credit for finding the basketball court at Fort Sanders Public School off 22nd Street goes to a certain person with the first name Matt, and I'm extremely thankful for it. Few things in life for me are as joyful as playing basketball on a sunny afternoon in comfortable weather, and I was able to do that for the first time in 2014 yesterday.

When I'm doing something as simple as throwing a ball at a cylindrical hoop (don't worry! It doesn't go in that often) and finding joy in it, I feel that I'm attacking life with an attitude that feels successful. Choosing to be happy over the most simplistic matters has made life far more entertaining and fun for me over the last year and a slight bit less stressful, because I was tired of worrying about my future and if I'll have a job in three years, anyway.

It's the same joy that allows me to drive home on 40 East from work every day, tired but satisfied in the direction I'm heading. It's a narrow path that I want to walk on, but I plan on finding happiness in the places I go and the things I do. I'm still here, which is a miracle in itself. I get to live each day for a God that loves me (and you and everyone else, despite what some think) no matter how hard I fall, which is the most freeing truth I know. Life is good. (Have I ever been this optimistic in my 20+ years? Can I end an essay on a footnote? Si cela fonctionne, cela fonctionne.)

Academy Awards, and Their Predictions

This is not an original thought, sadly; my friend Brian posted his yesterday and I felt motivated to post mine as a response. I would invite you to watch this Sunday's Academy Awards, because, if predictable, they typically don't fail to entertain and they won't have an abomination of a host like they did last year (if you didn't know, Seth MacFarlane ranks alongside Urban Meyer on the Worst Humans Ever rankings). Here are some predictions. By some, I mean I prognosticated every category, but I'll put the important ones first so you can hit Page Down on your keyboard to avoid the rest. (No dark horses. I work in absolutes; it either is or it isn't. More on that next time.)

Best Picture: 12 Years a Slave
Best Director: Alfonso Cuaron, for Gravity
Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey, for Dallas Buyers Club
Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, for Blue Jasmine
Best Supporting Actor: Jared Leto, for Dallas Buyers Club
Best Supporting Actress: Lupita Nyong'o, for 12 Years a Slave
Best Original Screenplay: Spike Jonze, for Her
Best Adapted Screenplay: John Ridley, for 12 Years a Slave
Best Animated Feature: Frozen
Best Foreign Film: The Great Beauty
Best Documentary Feature: The Act of Killing
Best Costume Design: Catherine Martin, for The Great Gatsby
Best Production Design: Catherine Martin and Beverly Dunn, for The Great Gatsby
Best Cinematography: Emmanuel Lubezki, for Gravity
Best Film Editing: Alfonso Cuaron and Mark Singer, for Gravity
Best Makeup and Hairstyling: Adruitha Lee and Robin Mathews, for Dallas Buyers Club
Best Original Score: Steven Price, for Gravity
Best Original Song: "Let it Go", from Frozen
Best Sound Editing: Glenn Freemantle, for Gravity
Best Sound Mixing: Skip Lievsay, Niv Adiri, Christopher Benstead, and Chris Munro, for Gravity
Best Visual Effects: Tim Webber, Chris Lawrence, Dave Shirk, and Neil Corbould, for Gravity
Best Animated Short: Get a Horse!
Best Documentary Short: The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life
Best Live Action Short: The Voorman Problem

Because that's such a large amount of line breaks and text, I'll do the rest of this in bullet points, since I can't think of anything else important enough to cover in paragraph form. (Insert self-deprecating sentence here.)

• I have to cover many minor things here. Because basketball was a theme of this post and because it's the best sport ever, I'll let you in on a not-so-secret secret: barring a major injury, Florida is winning this year's NCAA Tournament. Outstanding defensively, just-good-enough offensively, efficient everywhere, and senior-laden, with one of the best coaches in the game. Because it's the tournament, anything can happen, but putting UF in your Final Four (again, barring an injury or suspension) is one of the safest bets you can make this year.
• Another basketball-but-not-really note: Atlas, the new (and excellent) album by New Jersey rockers Real Estate, is 2014's best summer album to play outdoor basketball to. (Indoor basketball: Illmatic by Nas, as always.) Grab it March 4th when it hits a record store (and internet stores, because 2014) near you. Spotify them HERE.
• I told myself I wouldn't do this, but I literally cannot recommend HBO's True Detective enough. Six episodes in, it's viciously grabbed the title of Best Show on TV that Breaking Bad held for the last three years. If you haven't seen any of this yet, catch up ASAP and watch the last two episodes live or on HBO GO, if possible.
• This is bound to be a somewhat controversial opinion, but if you've seen History's The Bible miniseries from 2013, please do yourself (and my sanity) a favor and skip out on Son of God, hitting theaters on Friday. The makers of the film took the original ten hours of the Bible and cut it down to slightly over two hours, which seems like a blatant and un-Christ-like cash grab to me. Yeah, I get that we're focusing on just the story of Jesus here, but why not just watch the original (albeit pretty forgettable) miniseries that literally aired less than a year ago? Maybe I'm the insane one, but come on, guys.
• Wes Anderson's The Grand Budapest Hotel, which will be far superior to the film discussed in the bullet point above, arrives in theaters on March 7 in limited release, although I doubt we'll see it in Knoxville until a week or two later. Budapest features an ensemble cast with seemingly every Anderson staple ever and looks quite entertaining. Also, if you read this often you know I don't single out a film to shill for very often. Trailer goes HERE.
• I'd like to think I have a friend or two that I've met in college. They're all wonderful people and I love being able to support them in whatever they choose with their summer. Although I still don't know where everyone will be this summer, exactly, I can happily ask you to support a few of my best friends heading to South Africa this summer, whether through monetary means or in prayer/thoughts. Here are their links, and if I forgot someone going, please let me know so I can correct this.
• Three quick predictions, also relating to basketball, because why not: Michigan finishes their season in the Sweet Sixteen, everyone but Jordan Morgan returns for a 2014-15 title run. Tennessee misses the NCAA Tournament with a quarterfinal SEC Tournament loss to (insert incredibly average SEC team here. A&M?), going on to lose at home to (insert A-Sun school here) in the NIT. Small school that you still can't locate on a map makes it to the Sweet Sixteen (a guess: Stephen F. Austin).
• No playlists this time. Just go listen to Real Estate already. Uncle Tupelo, too.

Watching the miles flying by,

Will

The Food

(frame from 1984's Stranger Than Paradise, song here)

When I started writing this post, I was in my apartment, looking out over the wreckage of yet another snow day (six inches this time, which might as well be an apocalyptic narrative in the South). There are certain things that will never get old to me: the idea of getting out of work and/or school, the ability to do what I want when I want on these days, the look of the world around me the day when the snow melts and it's sunny again, et cetera.

My apartment has this really great view of the Tennessee River. It's not that the river is exactly the greatest thing to offer in Tennessee (especially considering the contamination levels are such that I am quite terrified of the thought of touching the water), but on days like today and every other day when I need inspiration/a body of water to ogle over because that's what's in these days, it's a nice thing to have.

A quick transition into a thought I can't get out of my head from the last few months, which does relate to this: I'm terrified of living in a suburb for the rest of my life. I wouldn't have anything like the view I have right now, white people aren't okay, and you can't recreate the feeling of driving through a city on Williamsburg Drive in suburban America. Also, no one raps about the suburbs, which should effectively win anyone over to my side. (Just kidding, persuasiveness is not a Will characteristic at all, ever.)

I think I fear the suburbs because I don't like the idea of doing the same thing for the rest of my life. I have lots of irrational fears and an inability to overcome very many of them. I also hate the thought of living in a place that encourages being complacent and/or being white. It's not who I am and it's not who I want to be. (Apologies if you lived in a suburb and/or like suburbs and/or Arcade Fire's The Suburbs, but at least the last one has a great defense!)

A positive moment of this year (of school, not just 2014) is that I'm taking steps to overcome some of these more rational fears. I'm no longer terrified of introducing myself to people. (There's a really good story about this, but it's for another time.) I'm not afraid to be myself around others for the first time in 20+ years. Most importantly, this year has helped me see how much I need to show the love of Christ to the people around me. I've learned to trust Jesus more with my future, which has enabled me to be a little less anxious. (Only a little. It's still a horrifying prospect, don't worry.)

I did finally decide what I'll be doing this summer (because everyone was obviously on the edge of their seats for the last two weeks), which is working at a sports warehouse near UT's campus. As much as I love working with children, I think it would be in my best interest to avoid getting burnt out on what I want to do in the future. I haven't prayed on this as much as I would like to, so maybe I'll start here, because I feel like God can use me in a positive way at an environment I have no experience in. Maybe it'll be a summer of seeing how big my range is. (Really long tangent and footnote, but I work best with basketball metaphors, so: I think of myself right now as Kyle Korver. I can do one thing and I'm pretty sure I do that one thing really well, but it would be fun to challenge myself to see if I can do other things well, too. With enough practice, perhaps I could be the Paul George of the workplace, or at least Nick Collison.)

As a reward for reading a 660-word wall of text, here are lots of bullet points and yet another playlist and other semi-not important things.

• HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT coming later today re: the rap project JL and I have been working on for months.
• Free TV show recommendation of the first quarter: Broad City, which has replaced Workaholics as your most reliable, comedic entertainment during the week and is the best show of 2014 not named True Detective. Hannibal Buress is in each episode for one or two scenes and owns it each time. Also, the two main leads (Abbi Jacobson/Ilana Glazer) are the most frequently hilarious female main characters on TV not named Hannah Horvath.
• For whatever reason, I've been asked about the CRU playlists this semester more than every other semester combined. Because of this, here's a link to every song that's ever been played at CRU, because why not.
• Another playlist link, because I'm into that sort of thing: I like to make playlists for each month of the year, if possible. It's a mix of things that I'm listening to at that time/songs that fit the mood of the month they're applied to. Here's February.
• I saw The LEGO Movie last Friday. It was absolutely wonderful and it's the best children's film I've seen since Up, so have fun at the theater if you haven't seen this yet.
• Win the Game.
• This is a shorter blog than usual, because I've been overloading people with words lately. Sorry about that.

That's just something I have to get used to,

Will

Tugboat

(screenshot from The 400 Blows; song reference here)

Today on Snow Day, Pt. 2, I've been trying to come up with ideas to form a cohesive narrative structure for a new blog post. However, I couldn't string together much more than a paragraph or two for each idea I had (lack of sleep + lack of Dr. Pepper look to be the main causes), so I'm going to try something different with this. Here's a set of shorter vignettes/ideas/thoughts I've had as of late that I'll try to put into words on a typing machine which may or may not add up to some sort of thematic ideal in the end. I think I'll apologize in advance for the lack of sense this is likely to make.

Snow

I'm in year 21 on this planet and I'm still unable to properly conclude how I feel about snow. It's a fantastic thing to look at (I doubt that I've ever heard anyone argue against the idea of a winter snowstorm being beautiful), but the severely limited transportation/the fact that it's still quite cold can't be underestimated as major negatives. Then again, I haven't been to class or work since Monday thanks to this, so...yeah. There is no conclusion, I'm back where I started at, I knew this would happen, and I'm really sorry. (This is more or less the plot of Bicycle Thieves.)

#Blessed

I have no idea if this is exactly a blasphemous or offensive thing to discuss, but I can't stop thinking about it for whatever reason: how have Christians helped make the word "blessed" a new-age social media joke? Admit it: it's hilarious when used in a joking manner, but some of us who are Christ followers are unable to laugh sometimes (thankfully, I don't think I've been in this group since early freshman year). Let's set a few quick ground rules: it's okay to say you're "blessed" by a person/God/etc. However, please never ever ever ever EVER use #blessed in a serious manner. I'm begging you. We'll call it a new social media etiquette, because the same people who use #blessed repeatedly and seriously are the five people you know who still worship Joel Osteen.

Buckets

No one cares about this except myself and two others, but college basketball is really fantastic and you should start watching it before March. Also, watching basketball teams that aren't Tennessee are a wonderful distraction from watching a Tennessee basketball team that defines "Tougher Breed" as "repeatedly slamming your head into the same wall for two hours." I'll stop talking about this subject before I get in too deep.

20@20

If you know me at all, you know that the idea of music as something more than background noise is very important to me. I believe that under the right circumstances and with a solid mindset towards looking for a deeper meaning, a person can have a thorough and strong connection to a piece of music of any kind (as long as it's not the abominable "Party Rock Anthem"). I've lost count of how many times I've experienced this, whether it was through my typical pessimistic disposition (Red House Painters is my go-to here) or a sunnier one that makes me think of summer (also known as the only time listening to Neon Indian/the like is acceptable).

I get asked quite often about what I've been listening to or what I would recommend to people (no this isn't a humblebrag I promise), so I thought I would do a quick section on a few favorites of mine. I'm linking readers to a Spotify playlist of 20 songs that are personally important to me in different ways, whether I listened to them for the first time in high school and they changed how I listened or in that they're just unbelievably addictive and lovable. (This is the same reasoning that allows The Big Lebowski to be on the same list as Citizen Kane.) The playlist is titled 20@20 because I'm 20 years old (LOLOL I'm so creative!!!) and 20 is a nice, round number. Also, to clarify: this is NOT a list of my 20 favorite songs of all-time, but rather a good starter list of sorts. (They'd all be in my top 100, at least.)

No Depression

I never realized how important it was to understand what kind of person you were until I made it to college. I never would have been able to admit that I was depressed from time to time in middle/high school or that I have a rather unnerving case of social anxiety, but I've often made it known on the internet (read: this blog and whoever messages me about it on Facebook) that I struggle with both of these things. It's part of who I am, and I have to be comfortable with it and understand that these are road blocks in my life that I've had to comprehend and deal with for the past few years.

A couple of really fun things about this, though: it took me a long time to realize that I wasn't alone in my struggles, but when I did, it was the most freeing feeling I can recall having. Fellowship ran a video a few months ago featuring an older gentleman who deals with depression each day, but still worships the Lord with a full heart and a loving mindset. That's the type of person I want to be. (Maybe not depressed every day, of course, but life's pretty boring if you're happy all the time.) Also, social anxiety hasn't been quite as much of an issue since I embraced my inner introvert and started picking out no more than three people to talk to in large groups. (Sorry, others who are not one of the three. I'll rotate.) (The title of this is likely misleading; it's a reference to an Uncle Tupelo album.)

Aimless

Confession time: I've watched every episode of HBO's Girls. Far more embarrassing: I really enjoy the show. I'm not sure if it's the soundtrack (which is as good as you'll find on television today, besting even Broad City) or the fact that I can identify with the struggles of aimlessness and inadequacy that the characters face. Girls is a very sexualized show, so it's not exactly the easiest to defend or identify with. However, the struggles they face are very real - the show essentially revolves around the main character, Hannah, failing to find consistent work two years after graduating college, along with the poor life decisions she makes as a consequence.

The idea of being unable to find a consistent job after I finish my studies is honestly terrifying, and I worry more about that than I really want to admit. It's all part of the "let go and let God" ideal for me which I'm trying to apply more to my life, but it's very hard to think this way sometimes when I'm sitting on a laptop at the age of 20 with a part-time job, fighting my way through school and trying to meet the high expectations I have for myself and for my life.

Along with this, I still have anxiety issues that are at least partially influenced by the paragraph above. Hannah does as well, although hers leads to the point of a hospital and psychiatric visit along with her parents stepping in. After watching the final three episodes of season 2 (the anxiety story arc takes place then), I realized I had never related to a television character quite as well as I did Lena Dunham's Hannah. After sitting through so many bad decisions and bad breaks of Hannah's character, I finally saw her heart behind all of them. Hannah is a person inside all of us: terrified of failure, nervous when it comes to big life decisions, and sometimes reactionary to the point of (accidental) self-harm. For me, I can relate, because I've been all of these things and I still am. It's a daily issue for me, but I'm trying to be less worried about it and more knowledgeable of God and His control of my life. No one ever said life was easy; we just have to take it as it comes.

Polar Opposites

(Modest Mouse)

Pretty much everyone knows this by now, but I work with middle schoolers at a Catholic school in Bearden, a not-exactly-West Knoxville neighborhood but more or less a West Knoxville neighborhood. I work with lots of different characters and children. While it can honestly be quite the frustrating and overwhelming work experience some days, I don't regret a single day worked there.

Recently, though, it's been a little more difficult. Because I'm taking 19 hours at Tennessee this semester (which I could have avoided, but being under pressure can be enjoyable), I don't get to work there as consistently, which hasn't exactly helped my relationship with the children or the other workers at the school. Because I get asked about this often, it's probably better for me to get my feelings towards my situation out through text because talking is terrifying and/or the worst. Don't worry too much about me; the eighth-graders and I are still best friends for life.

I have no idea if I'll be returning for a third year at the school next fall. Situations are changing and I think it may be best for me to move on to either a different school or a different job. I still want to become a middle or high school English teacher, but it could be a good thing for me to relax a little before the internship portion of the Education program starts, if I'm accepted. Working at a law firm or a warehouse is a complete polar opposite from working at a school, but I think the time may have come to change things up a little bit.

Words

Shocking news straight out of a study room in Hodges Library: I greatly enjoy writing. I realize that it isn't exactly the most fun thing to do on a Friday afternoon where I have a somewhat open slot in my schedule, but there are few things I'd rather be doing. Writing is a fantastic therapeutic exercise in which I can write down a lot of words seven people will read (let's shoot for eight with this one! HOV!) and have a strong taste of "whatever idc" in my mouth about it.

Going back to the idea of me not exactly being the best at putting my words into a speech form that can be translated into something vaguely resembling English, it helps for me to understand what I'm actually thinking and writing about when I type it out on a word processor of some sort. It's quite enjoyable to read my own thoughts (this is basically the young white male version of laughing at your own jokes or vibing to your own raps) and figure out what's been bothering me as of late.

Perhaps that's why I like to have a self-imposed word goal of at least 2,000 in every essay/collection of essays/post. I'm sure everyone who reads these has to have some appreciation of word vomit, because I'm pretty unapologetic about how much I go off on really inconsequential things in life. This entire section relates back to (essentially) my struggle with self-confidence and figuring out who I am, because I'm big into self-deprecation (more on that in a minute) and keeping my profile low. I feel as if I'm being called to take a deeper look into this and become a more confident person, which is quite a challenge for me. Maybe that's a new goal for 2014, because I have a feeling Christ would like me to be a little less self-hating at some point in my life.

Fever Dream

Full disclosure: this week I had a small surgery on my foot (if you're all fine with this and would like to keep your lunches, I won't give any more details), so I haven't been the most active person with anything, whether it was social media, walking to Chipotle, or waking up on time for a meeting. That's not the point of this story; the doctor I was with was quite the nice guy, striking up a conversation with me about the education system in America and how ridiculous the idea of getting out of school for an inch of snow was (although it did end up being for good reason).

The guy gave a couple of prescriptions, one of which was a pain medication. He kind of failed to inform me that the pain medication made you feel like you were on cloud 87 and it was quite terrifying walking to class while trying to figure out if I was dreaming or if things were actually happening. (I'm finally living out every David Lynch film!) Life seems like this sometimes when ridiculous and previously incomprehensible things happen: is this real or is it imagined?

There are so many twists and turns that it's easy to get lost; I covered this in a different format a couple weeks ago. I don't know if there's a point or an answer to trying to determine what life's surrealism really means, but I'm enjoying the ride right now, regardless of if I remember anything that happened from 12 to 2 Thursday afternoon. (Don't worry, it's a one and done medicine in the sense of I took it once and I can't bear to have that happen again.)

Outro

I have no idea what I just wrote, in all honesty. Sorry about that. However, there's some loose connections tying these short vignettes together: an internal power struggle, road blocks keeping me from full commitment, irrational interests, and a hope to be better. These are very general concepts, but I think I can go out on a limb here and say these are all items that we, as humans, can potentially relate to.

I want to apologize again for being less cohesive than I would've liked to be in this post, but for the reasons discussed much earlier, I ran into a bit of a case of writer's block this week. With that said, I still wanted to get out my thoughts in some form without ranting and yelling at people and/or walls and/or other inanimate objects. Thanks for reading. (Still terrible at conclusions, you guys!)

It's just a dream he keeps having and it doesn't seem to mean anything,

Will

Air Bud

"In the immemorial style of young men, they decided to lie down for a while and waste time." - Michael Chabon, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay

Ferris Bueller said it best: "life moves pretty fast." I can't really sum up how I've been feeling as of late better than that, because it feels like everything and everyone around me is moving so quickly and I'm caught in the midst of it all. The perfect storm that is life is raging right now, with school, work, and everything else at their respective peaks of productivity and output.

I don't sleep as much as I used to. That's a common theme for most people in college, right? The issue for me is that I spend a lot of time in my bed not sleeping and thinking about things that either need to be done or daydreaming about events that I want to think about instead of actually dreaming. Real dreams are terrifying and can go haywire without you having any input in them and they're never really "good."

I've learned in my time in college and through different forms of discipleship over the past two years that I struggle a lot with wanting control of different aspects of my life. I am terrified of the idea of not having control over my future or my work situation or what I'm doing next summer, but I understand that it's part of knowing God has a plan greater than anything I can dream of. I'm starting to grow slightly more comfortable with that aspect of life, perhaps because recently I've learned how much I really don't like dreams. (Sorry to dream lovers, but the nightmare to not nightmare ratio has been a solid 3:1 as of late. I can't explain it other than it's inherently related to sports and/or any coming-of-age movie released in the last decade.)

Perhaps that's why the quote you see above seems extremely relatable to me. I only have so much time in life to not be anxious about what lies ahead. Maybe it's time for me to lie down and daydream and not worry so much about what's due tomorrow or where I'm going to be in five years. I'm pretty confident that God's in control of that, so why should I be worrying anymore? (New idea: I write something about anxiety that's halfway coherent so people have a better grasp of INFP struggles.)

Because of time constraints and my inability to live in New York, I had to wait until now to release a best-of film list of 2013. I don't have a better introduction than that. Sorry.

The 20 Best Films of 2013, Ranked

Good Lord, what a year. Typically, I don't particularly enjoy the discussion of "was this a good year for film" that takes place at the end of every December, but there's no doubt in my mind that this year was the best in a decade or longer (since 2001?). I can't recall seeing such a large amount of films that I truly, deeply enjoyed, and it was legitimately painful to leave some of them off of this list. Because I hate decision making and making cuts, I've included a few more that should be watched.

Honorable Mentions

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues. I need to be honest here: I wasn't totally convinced that I really liked this all that much, and then Vince Vaughn appeared and all was right with the series again. If it's possible to keep the story fresh (not that easy) and to maybe narrow it down to just Ron and Brick as a potential news duo, I'm not opposed to a third.

Blue Is the Warmest Color. So yeah, I watched this, and I didn't explode into flames! Imagine that. Yes, those certain scenes (look, just Google it because I'm not detailing them) are not exactly must-see (I think you can chalk it up to being "artistic" all you want, but it really kills the flow/pace of the film to that point), but the story as a whole is really beautiful and well-told. I'm especially rooting for Adele Exarchopoulos and Lea Seydoux, who deliver incredible performances and should get some award show attention with any luck.

Blue Jasmine. More or less a 2013 version of A Streetcar Named Desire with Cate Blanchett as Blanche, but it works, because Woody Allen is Woody Allen and Blanchett pulls off "downward spiral divorcee widow potential schizophrenic" like no one else can.

Dallas Buyers Club. I've already written several words on the McConaissance, but perhaps the most important ones were delivered by the man himself upon winning Best Actor (Drama) at the Golden Globes on Sunday: "this movie's not about dying, it's about living...to which I say, just keep." There's never been so much victory in an awards speech.

Despicable Me 2. I really didn't want to like this movie, mostly because I've hated just about every animated sequel ever (save for the Toy Story series). Simply put, those Minions are absolutely impossible to not be drawn in by, and Steve Carell is yet again too good as the voice of Gru. Kristen Wiig's character/love interest is a nice touch, too.

The Great Beauty. Confession: I haven't actually watched this yet. However, it's my honorable mentions list so I can do what I want, and from the 15 minutes I have been able to watch it would've been on here anyway.

The Hunt. The second-best horror film this year, for no other reason than it portrays an absolute nightmare situation for a teacher and it does it all too well. I can't recall ever wanting a happy ending more than I did watching this, and this is coming from someone who can't stand forced happy endings.

Philomena. Judi Dench + Steve Coogan = beautiful, heartbreaking true story. Go see it.

The Place Beyond the Pines. Another confession: I will watch anything Ryan Gosling's ever been in (this stops when it comes to the Notebook), because I'm not afraid to admit I have a mancrush on Mr. Gosling. I think half the reason I liked this so much was that I wanted to be Luke Glanton for Halloween for four months after seeing this in theaters.

The World's End. The slightly more funny apocalypse comedy from 2013 (no discount to This Is the End, however; it just missed the cut for this list). As long as Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg remain a team and spit out a film every four or five years, we'll be fine.

Top 20 Films of 2013

Only some of these have pictures, because I have better things to do than Google images from each of these, so I've included one for every five films (the top three are the exception). I'm sorry. Kind of.

20. Ain't Them Bodies Saints. From the title alone, it sounds like a parody of every Sundance film ever, and yes, it's kind of a Terrence Malick ripoff. Then again, we're praising American Hustle for trying to be Goodfellas Part 2, so who's really winning here? Casey Affleck remains underrated, but it's Rooney Mara who steals the show. Look for her in an actual Malick film in 2014 (or 2015 or maybe 2020. However, you can't read the cast list and tell me it won't be incredible.)

19. Leviathan. I refuse to recommend this to anyone because it's something that myself and maybe two other people I know could really enjoy. It's Deadliest Catch with Go Pros, no dialogue, and some unusually beautiful and striking shots. I have no idea if that sounds appealing to anyone but me and the Atlantic Ocean fishing industry, but it was worth 80 minutes of my time.

18. Prisoners. Hugh Jackman plays father with missing child who doesn't really understand the idea of "maybe you shouldn't do that." Jake Gyllenhaal plays detective who tries to knock sense into Jackman, admits defeat, still wins because he's Jake freaking Gyllenhaal. I really liked this.

17. The Kings of Summer. Conventional in outcome/use of snakes? Yes. However, I loved this maybe too much for my own good. Nick Offerman is brilliant as always, and the young actors (all of whom were previously on Disney Channel shows) are great performers. Also, it's hilarious and serves as a great counterpoint to the unnecessarily depressing and underwhelming The Spectacular Now.

16. Upstream Color. Quick backstory: Shane Carruth is brilliant, made Primer in 2004 (which I've watched three times and still can't figure out despite understanding a decent bit of the physics references), does not care about traditional plot structure, does not care that his movies require great amounts of research and study to really understand, and is 2-for-2 so far as a filmmaker.

15. Gravity. This is an incredible theater experience and it's going to be years before anything like it will be seen in theaters, but Mark Harris of Grantland perhaps described it best: "Gravity is hugely respected by the Academy, but the screenplay is more tolerated than loved."

14. Mud. Hit US theaters in late April and was all but forgotten by the end of the year, which is a shame. Jeff Nichols knows the South as well as anyone (Arkansas native) and really gets the most out of his cast (including McConaughey/child actors) and the people around them. Flimsy story held together by great direction/cinematography/etc.

13. American Hustle. As I said earlier, it's more or less a 2013 update on Goodfellas with a different story, but I can't sit here and pretend like I didn't enjoy this a lot. Christian Bale continues to own his roles, Amy Adams gives her third incredible performance in four years (The Fighter/The Master), Bradley Cooper shows up and does well, etc.

12. Stories We Tell. Can't describe this in much depth without giving away key plot points, but a really good genre-busting documentary. What a year for documentaries, you guys.

11. 12 Years a Slave. I do think that it's honestly very good and that it probably deserves most awards it'll get this year, but I just feel like it's either a bit overlong or I don't get why Benedict Cumberbatch is in this or what. The tree scene with Solomon may be the best/most stunning scene of the year, though.

10. The Act of Killing. The director's cut of this is around 2 hours and 40 minutes and it's almost 45 minutes longer than what one would've seen in theaters, but my decision to watch the former was one of the best I made recently. I can't really describe this documentary, mostly because I don't want to. The final half-hour is as heartbreaking as anything I've seen in years.

9. Fruitvale Station. I don't buy the line of "12 Years a Slave as most important movie" that floated around late in the year, because in the wake of the Martin/Zimmerman case and outcome, this is the film I felt I needed to see the most. Not only is it well-done and well-acted (Michael B. Jordan and Octavia Spencer are highlights), the story (true, save for Oscar Grant's girlfriend/other events made to accentuate his character) is powerful and needs to be known in 2013.

8. All Is Lost. One man and a boat and a wide-open ocean and the sea experience from hell erupting around him. Robert Redford owns this and could potentially own the Best Actor Oscar soon. Essentially, this is Gravity at sea, but with much less dialogue and for a higher common denominator.

7. Inside Llewyn Davis. I saw this for the first time late in 2013 and I almost felt as if I had missed the point, because for whatever reason I had forgotten that the Coens don't make happy films for happy people. It's beautiful in its misery and Oscar Isaac is finally getting the recognition he deserves.

6. Frances Ha. Could I watch this GIF forever? Yes. Kind of like how I could watch Greta Gerwig dance forever and how this movie wins the "Movie I'll Rewatch the Most in the Next Five Years" and how Frances makes me want to love New York like Woody Allen does.

5. Before Midnight. Before you forget that Ethan Hawke can, indeed, act, you should watch Before Sunrise. Then Before Sunset. Then this. Jesse and Celine's story gets rocky in the third installment, and it hurts because of how real it feels. I want one of these every nine years until one of Hawke/Julie Delpy is unable to perform anymore.

4. The Wolf of Wall Street. No 2013 film (or any film I can think of previously) was as vile, dirty, and lovingly loathsome as Wolf, and that's why it's absolutely incredible. Martin Scorsese pulls no punches in portraying someone as terrible as Jordan Belfort, and we love it. Leonardo isn't the Wolf, Marty is.

3. Nebraska. I can't count the amount of times while watching this that I thought I could easily interchange characters from the film with people from my family. If you have ever known anyone from the Midwest or have Midwestern family members, Nebraska is way too relatable. This is the definitive road movie of the last 25 years.

2. Short Term 12. Already covered my love for this earlier, but Brie Larson is becoming a star and I'm more than okay with that. I can only hope we'll all be comfortable with her role soon enough.

1. Her. Sammy Rhodes summed it up best for me the other day: "Her hits close to home for those of us who find comfort in the iWorld because we can't handle real intimacy." As Amy Adams says in the film, love is like a socially acceptable form of insanity. It doesn't make sense, and I'm not really sure it's supposed to. But that's not going to keep us from trying, because we want to love and we were made to love. It's been years since I've loved a film like I loved this. I want to keep going back to it and keep having to hold back tears every time because I understand. Team Joaquin forever.

Films I missed out on but will watch eventually: In a World, August: Osage County, A Single Shot, To the Wonder, Cutie and the Boxer, Computer Chess, Post Tenebras Lux, Room 237, Drug War, Drinking Buddies, C.O.G., Prince Avalanche, Stoker, Behind the Candelabra, Wadjda, 20 Feet From Stardom, About Time, Pacific Rim

The 15 Best Performances I Saw in 2013

Unranked, because these are all excellent enough to the point that I don't want to discriminate. Fifteen because I really didn't want to limit it to only ten.

• Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine
• Julie Delpy, Before Midnight
• Bruce Dern, Nebraska
• Adele Exarchopoulos, Blue Is the Warmest Color
• Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
• James Franco, Spring Breakers
• Greta Gerwig, Frances Ha
• Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis
• Michael B. Jordan, Fruitvale Station
• Brie Larson, Short Term 12
• Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club
• Lupita Nyong'o, 12 Years a Slave
• Joaquin Phoenix, Her
• Robert Redford, All Is Lost
• June Squibb, Nebraska

As a reward for making it through all of those words, here's a Spotify playlist (featuring the song in the title of this post) and my favorite response to anything ever.

But this is what love is for,

Will