Positive Vibrations

(FX's Louie; the Soft Boys)

I have several issues that I'm trying to either resolve completely or resolve to myself at the moment (including the excessive use of "I" to start off posts). A few are certain inabilities that are in extreme need to be corrected in some capacity - my struggle to finish any project or work I embark on at a reasonable rate, my internal necessity to put every pressure and stress inducing-idea I can think of on myself at one time, etc. - but it takes time and space to do this, along with realizing that some issues you have with yourself cannot be fixed, and one has to be at peace with that idea.

I talked a couple of weeks ago about getting older and the newfound struggles it brings, along with the new discovery of ideas of growing up and accepting more responsibilities that causes an immediate struggle between heart and brain. As humans, we have an innate need to satisfy our heart, and the idea of only being able to successfully fill either the heart or brain's needs without keeping both happy is a struggle that few of us have embraced and succeeded against at this point in our lives, unless you're reading this and are not a twenty-something who can't seem to dig out the answers like you were able to before new pressures arose.

The most enjoyable pastime for me this summer has been one that I found to be a common thread between my youth and my time as an adult: listening to, and reviewing, the ever-increasing and ever-diversifying (although at a slower rate than ever before, seemingly) world of music. The 400 album project is over 20% done, which makes it one of the best and more timely progressions I've made in years, the other being cohesively determining this to be the greatest review of any album ever written.

My mother sends me encouraging emails sometimes and she'd probably be a little bit upset if I were to share the ever-so private contents of those, but this week's encouraging email was a little different than most. Enclosed were words that attended the most urgent of matters to my mental health and were more helpful than ever before, and I found myself satisfied heart-wise. However, to satisfy my brain as well, I'll need to return, re-read the email a few times, research the general ideas of improvement, apply them, and then analyze to see if they've improved my own mental health. Writing this made it easy enough for me to see why I focus so much on helping my heart while ignoring the necessities of my head.

Most of this has been written at the extremely productive and intelligent thought-inducing hour of 1 AM with the impending doom of waking up in less than seven hours to attend to the mostly heart-based needs of children that finished preschool more recently than you finished watching Fargo. My intent for these posts is for them to be the vaguely cohesive-sounding thoughts of someone growing up, finding the fun in being serious, and understanding the appeal in not leaving your apartment because you can't leave a book like Shotgun Lovesongs. Sometimes you need to be at peace with who you need to be in that moment, and if not, you'll get there eventually. Yeezy season approaching.

• In Appreciation Of launched this week, with my friends Harrison and Brian making several contributions. Check us out and follow us on Twitter at @IPOblog.
• My first project is to do a musical review of the first few months of 2014, which should be a fairly easy thing to do, considering the speed of high-quality releases in 2014 has sputtered along at the pace of a '95 Geo. The long-term project: the top 10 albums of every year of my life from 1993 to 2014, once a week for 22 weeks. That will be starting on June 9th, while at the beach. This is also a terrible idea that you should read.
• Summer projects update: music (83/400), film (8/100), TV (3/50), books (6/25). Welp.
• Speaking of Shotgun Lovesongs, it's the best novel of 2014 thus far (although I'll be reading The Invention of Wings in Florida next week to see if it takes the title). If you like small-town America and musicians that are very obviously inspired by Justin Vernon of Bon Iver, you should check it out immediately.
• Best eat of the month: hot whiting filet with white bread, pickles, baked beans, and sweet corn at Bolton's Spicy Chicken and Fish in East Nashville. 8.7/10.
• FREE MUSIC FRIDAY, from JL and I: "Big Whip."

I was maimed by rock and roll,

W. E. Warren

A Life of Possibilities

(1979's Manhattan; the Dismemberment Plan)

One of the hardest realizations of growing older - that is, hitting your senior year in college and entering your first mid-mid-life crisis - is that you aren't special at very many things. I came to terms with this a while ago, but the realization of being exceptionally good at a very slight few things, none of which are focusing on any one activity ever, is kind of disappointing in some way.

The categories/things that I consider myself to have legitimately exceptional abilities and potential in are not that important to my future (for instance, my ability to listen to music, analyze it for deeper meaning, and form an opinion rapidly and fluently is nice to have, but can I use that in a classroom?), but they do open doors in some fashion. Regardless, being in a season of change and realizing that you aren't the smartest one in the room is a challenge.

My parents have done an amazing job over the last few months of preparing me for the idea of post-college, a world where it becomes increasingly likely day by day that I won't immediately have a job in the field that I want a job in. Working in an office isn't the worst thing ever, either; there are plenty of opportunities for me to succeed in that environment. Life is so much more than my career, however; life represents a wild, colorful field full of possibilities, open doors, and an immeasurable amount of daily opportunities. To explore these opportunities, I have to first realize the innate self-worth deep inside me.

On a personal level, the amount of daily struggles I face in finding self-importance is high, and it fluctuates along with my mood. It took 20+ years to understand that bipolar disorder is a very real thing and that I'm affected with it and by it. If nothing else, I finally have an answer for why my moods can change quickly and why depression and anxiety have been such a large part of my life for so long.

The biggest challenge and struggle in finding self-importance is realizing your own self-importance, in that you, as a person, were created to make an impact in others' lives. It's hard to realize this from time to time (especially in high school, where the amount of real, legitimate friends I had by the end of my junior year was in single digits), but we are here for a reason. Far too often, I take this idea for granted, because there are days when I feel like the smallest cog in the grand machine. How could I possibly affect lives on a large scale? Is what I'm doing important? Am I important?

The answer to all of these is quite simple, even if I have trouble believing it some days: of course I'm important. Of course what I'm doing is important. Potentially, whether through teaching or a different type of work, I can affect lives on a greater scale than in a small room of smaller people. Does it take me longer to realize this than it probably does for you? Probably. However, I have been given the opportunity to seek a life of possibilities; it is my choice to seek out mine and your choice to find yours. 

• I have now reached the "college angst" portion of my life, where some of my best friends are moving away and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Chances are that you, too, will go through this at some point if you are my age or younger. Along with praying on it, which is my recommended action for those who see prayer as important as I do, two albums that I love madly and deeply that speak eloquently on this subject are Emergency & I by the Dismemberment Plan, along with the Meadowlands by the Wrens. Both of these albums are on Spotify.
• In Appreciation Of goes live this week with a few different posts: an introduction, an essential albums list, and everything I found wrong with The Amazing Spider-Man 2. I plan on posting there more frequently than I will on here, simply because writing is an effective outlet of my free time and I'd love to do it as much as possible if you're willing to read.
• Go follow @YJTmusic on Twitter. JL and I will be posting more stuff this week. Expect more releases this summer, because we'll both have a fair amount of free time, for the most part.
• I plan on listening to at least 400 albums for the first time this summer. I'm at 20 now. This will go until the end of August. Keep up with my progress here on RateYourMusic, where I'll be rating each one.
• A shortlist of projects for the summer: 400 albums (21/400 done), 100 movies (5/100), 50 seasons of TV (2/50), 25 books (1/25). Maybe we'll just extend this to the rest of the year.

My mind is filled with radio cures,

Will